Black and Gold

This weekend was insane. Traveling to Lexington to participate in the Ms. Black and Gold Pageant at UofK, representing the Eta Rho chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity Inc. was pretty intense! But I learned so much.I have a heavy personality I know that, and my message is even heavier, but when I got on the stage it seemed like my mouth was too small to convey a message so large. And I broke under pressure. That morning I prayed for hours on the stairs digging deep into parts of my spirit I thought I had lost and my prayers were so specific that after the competition God's answers were even more readily defined.I prayed for independence then found myself looking in my father's countenance for approval on the stage. I prayed for patience then wished I could go home. I prayed for wisdom then felt like a looser. I prayed for humility but found myself cultivating an image around my resume trying to lick the wounds of a crown elusive to my grasp.But there is a glaze that comes over human eyes wet and dancing toward attention hoping to please or engage others in act or comedy. The occuli well lit and lightened under spotlight float to the top of the human conscious unfocused and frothy like sea foam accumulated in the sockets of the eye; open looking for approval in its peripheral vision. And the smile that spreads thin across the minstrel chin is the only solid anchor found in this sea; and its smiling for the hope that the truest part of them will some how show. It is that smile that stands behind the Black and Gold and that sea that some like me can drift away in or drown their name in.I was weighed down with the circles. Tiny eyes and mouths and fingertips that hold my name and smash it underneath nails or swallow and gnash it with gossip and kind words, circles that drink in my presence beneath eyebrows and judge.And you may ask why did I do the pageant to begin with? People are all worth the same, its sexist and very un-Zen like to judge. But I find something very spiritual in being judged by others. Just as you can find the secret to life in something simple as a fortune cookie or a company logo, utilizing this opportunity for self growth seemed like the perfect thing to do, and it was. I have successfully judged myself and I know where I am and where I'm headed.To others it may just be a simple competition to put on your resume or delight your peers but to me it makes all the difference not what the judges say but how I measure up to this belief system in my Black community. There are things I stand behind and dream to be, this Hugstable dream applied to an African American reality, and there are things I disagree with because of how far they've migrated from Kemetic origin and African tradition. But the important thing to note is that I still believe and I must admit I draw a certain amount of pride in at least feeling like I am at the forefront of black thought as far as cooperative economics, multiracial integrity and a universal state of economic solidarity in peace and understanding.I will carry this message among other strides toward mental freedom and active change now and forever as I grow stronger daily in not breaking under the weight of a divine right order. A man's glance can not break me, a panel of judges can not move me, and a crowd of people can not stir my blood. I will have change in the palms of my hands and ignorance under the souls of my feet as I clear a path for something new, even for change and strength in myself.