I recently went out to dinner with some of my old friends from college. My date, my date's fraternity brother, and the guy's wife were at the table with me. We started talking about home ownership, money and jobs. The conversation then drifted to the role of a woman in a relationship and her financial contributions to the relationships. The married guy said that his wife would never make more money than he. Even if something happened to where she started making more money, he said he would work harder or get a second job just so that he made more. Are you serious? His wife gave him one of those looks. She stated that he should be happy and supportive if she came upon a situation that had her making substantially more money. She said she thinks women today should be independent and strive to reach the highest level possible. Her husband agreed, but then added, "That's fine, as long as you're not making more money than I in the process."
My date was not a boyfriend, but I was curious about his answer. So, I looked his direction for input. He owns his own law firm and stated that he was creating a life where his wife wouldn't have to work. He said that as long as he had the bills paid, then it was his wife's responsibility to manage the house and the kids. I asked him what would happen if for some reason he did meet a woman that made more money than he. He said that wouldn't happen.
I had major gripes with our conversation. First of all, these men were saying that if you are more successful that them, then they are not going to give you a chance because they should be the ultimate breadwinner in the family. What does that have to do with love? They are punishing the female gender for making their mark and overcoming all of the barriers that exist. Shouldn't this be applauded? I know this was only two men's perspectives, but I have found the same attitude in other men.
Last year I met a guy that was not in a good position in his life. For our first date, we watched a movie at my house. He was instantly intimidated by the size of my house and by the brand of car I drove. From the beginnning, he formed the opinion that he could never provide for me or give me the things I wanted in life since I already possessed so many things. I tried over and over again to explain to him that money is not everything and if I can find a man to meet my emotional needs then I have found someone that can win my heart. Although he tried to look past this, he really couldn't get over it and our situation dissolved.
I have found that this male perspective has put me into an ackward position. My career is in education. There is not a great chance that I will ever make large sums of money. However, I am an only child and both of my parents have passed away. When my mother passed away in 2006, I inherited a large amount of money. I am now completely debt free and can retire at any time that I am ready. I have moved into the large house where I grew up. Although I don't brag about the money I have (all of it is invested and I haven't touched any of it yet), many people judge me by my house, car and clothes. These same men don't realize that two years ago I was paying rent for an apartment and driving my wonderful Nissan Sentra. My personality has not changed at all since that time, but I am definitely seen in a different light. Usually when I first meet someone, I try to meet them out instead of having them pick me up. I don't volunteer information that my parents have passed away because I want them to get to know me for the person I am. None of the men I've dated have ever discovered my actual networth, and now I fear that if they knew, some of them would run away as fast as possible and not look back.
I do honestly believe that there are some men out there that will not try to take advantage of the things I possess and will truly be willing to fall in love with me regardless of my circumstances. You always have some men (and women) that think money makes the world go around and that certain gender roles are essential to a successful relationship. One day I hope they'll realize that times are changing and many people are building relationship on partnerships where both man and woman can flourish!
4 comments:
Sister, You have a valid point but I believe you will meet someone who loves you for you and is appreciative and respectful of what you have to offer. I am in a simila situation and have met a wonderful man who is not intimidated by my success. Relationships work when needs are met and if you don't have a financial need then you can be happy with someone that meets emotional, sexual, spiritual etc... Do your thng
I am a Black Male who is married to
a wonderful wife. We own a small business together offer products and services to the general public. The services she offer generate more revenue that the services. In the beginning, I must admit that I felt intimidated by this situation, but as time went on, I have learned to accept it. She on the otherhand has never made me feel inadequate, or tried to take the leadership position. Financial decisions are made jointly for the most part, but impasses are normally solved
through negotiated compromise. In
other cases, I will make the final decision. I think most women, regardless of income want the man to be the leader of the household as long as he demostrates rational
judgement and solicits her buy in
on critical dicision making issues.
I'm a 54 yr old black man who is just breaking up with a black woman who makes three as much as I do. Money rules her. I spend whatever extra monies I have on us and I paid my portion of bills, but the end came and now I'm struggling to find a home. Some Black woman is not going to find a man because they are looking for something thats external and can disappear in a matter of moments. Why can't they just appreciate the good in a man.
It is ashame that some men think like that, but the whole thing is a lot more complicated than the woman makes more money than the man.I will tell you why: Now I believe those guys on your date we're scum.I have been married for ten years and my wife has made more money than I for the first 5 years of this marriage. I never had a problem with the money situation, because I choose job security over high risk jobs or business. She use to throw it I my face that I wasn't making enough money and although I would agree. The way she was with money we would be in finacial ruin. I am benifits counselor for the VA and nationally 60k is good money in Los Angeles you brooke. My wife runs and own a hair salon, her money is up and down but recently it has been down mostly due to overhead. Because she made more money than I, when it came to us trying to be on one accord as of how to manage the household she would just do what she wanted but I would use my whole check to keep the mortgage, carnote, and all the other bills together. My wife felt that if she made more money than she is the boss instead of doing what right for the household.
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